the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
