New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
