**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
