thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
