so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
