morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
