A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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