currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
