dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
