You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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