you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I have already put on my inside pants.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
