I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
