I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
