we have officially lost it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
