It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
