I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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