we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
