high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
