I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
