she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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