He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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