So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
