Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
