Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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