From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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