He had one of those small greek statue penises
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
