my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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