I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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