Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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