my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
