So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
