I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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