I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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