i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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