we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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