Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
