You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
