How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
