her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
