seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
