i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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