Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
