You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
