Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
