does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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