I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
