Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
