I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
