u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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