a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
