Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
