I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We left the knife in your bed.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
