Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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